The success of our relationships, our careers, and our ability to interact with the world is rooted in our ability to communicate well. With this is in mind, do you ever reflect on how well you communicate? I don’t mean only before and after speaking to a group or presenting in a meeting. Do you ever reflect on how you communicate in your normal interaction with other people on a daily basis? It is the habits of communication that we engage in regularly that influence the trust, engagement and the quality of our relationships.
Being self aware is an essential component of improving your communication. What is your state? What are you feeling? What are your thoughts, your environment or the people your are interacting with triggering in you? Since the majority of our communication is non-verbal our tone of voice and our body language often say far more than our words. Recognising your state can help you foresee how it could impact your communication.
How well do you listen? In many situations our minding is doing many things that affect our ability to listen. We may be thinking about how we will respond, we may be remembering a similar situation we were in, we may be judging the person we are speaking with, or we my be analysing and interpreting to parts of what someone is saying. If you are interested in doing an experiment, ask a friend to tell you about something that happened to them recently. Give them five minutes and don’t interrupt or ask any questions. When they are finished take a few minutes to recount what they told you without them interrupting or correcting you. Let them then tell you how accurate your were. Also, reflect on what kinds of thoughts distracted you and whether you had to hold back the urge to interrupt. Are you a good listener?
Another good way to reflect on how well you communicate, especially in conflict situations, is by trying to use Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-violent Communication method. There are four steps which are defined by questions: What can I observe? (without judgement) How does this make me feel? What do I need? What request can I make? Asking yourself these questions while trying to navigate an argument or conflict while help you listen better, notice your own state, and make requests rather than accusations. This is an extremely brief summary of the model which I encourage people to investigate further.
These are just a few examples of how you can better reflect your communications skills. The struggles you have in relationships and interactions of all kinds can often be traced back to your communication skills. To quote Anthony Robbins: “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” If you are having problems in these areas start to reflect on how you communicate. Your ability to understand others and to be understood will have an immeasurable impact on your success and happiness.
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